Mr. Plainbottom’s Decorative Ladders

Mr. Plainbottom builds decorative ladders of such beauty that no man can resist climbing them. Each step is a piece of art unto itself, but when placed one over another, the rungs sing like a poem. Although his artistry and craftsmanship are second to none, Mr. Plainbottom’s real genius lies in a visual trick. Unbeknownst to the casual observer, Mr. Plainbottom’s ladders get smaller as you climb. The rungs grow thinner and are placed closer together. The seemingly parallel vertical rails subtly lean inward as if anticipating a first kiss. The intricate latticework of the sidepieces is so fine near the apex you’d swear you were viewing it through a cloud. A ten foot ladder looks a hundred feet. A twenty foot ladder rises to the very gates of heaven.

However, the unequaled aesthetic of Mr. Plainbottom’s decorative ladders comes with a steep price. You see, the same spectacular architecture that makes them so irresistible also makes them unfit for climbing. The cherry maple steps at the summit of a Mr. Plainbottom ladder are nothing more than autumnal leaves suspended in a fog. Many a houseguest has tumbled back to earth in a hail of splinters. They lie howling in pain from a fractured leg or displaced hip while the dust settles and the gods laugh. The divine heights of Mr. Plainbottom’s decorative ladders remain forever unattainable by mortal man.

With the pained screams of the past still echoing in Mr. Plainbottom’s ears, tonight’s guest asks for directions to the washroom. And though he knows his warning will go unheeded, Mr. Plainbottom answers as he has dozens of times before, “The washroom is on the second floor. Take the grand corridor through to the great hall. On your left, you will see a ladder and a staircase. Now listen carefully, as this is vitally important: Always take the latter.”

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