January 2012
11 posts
There Goes The Sun
They say, “The sun even shines on a dog’s ass some days.” That’s a purely mathematical argument. What about the dog that knows his ass can only do one, disgusting thing? What if the dog knows that the humans in charge of its welfare kind of resent its ass for the one thing it can do? What if, knowing all this, the dog believes his ass unworthy of the sun’s light? I...
Dr. Romance on How Not to Be Shy at a Party
Guidelines for being charming at a party:
1. Be interesting: Wear attractive, but interesting, clothing-something that reflects who you are. If you like travel, for example, wear a shirt, scarf, tie or jewelry from another country, or wear something that reflects your ethnic background, or a hobby (sports, the outdoors, a Hawaiian-type shirt with surfboards, gardening implements or an animal...
“During the 1980s, when Americans started to get freaked out about Japan again,...”
– from “Mother Earth Mother Board” by Neal Stephenson
Watchtswspodcast:
Episode 101 - Lester “Polecat” Brown
This week legendary Alabama bluesman Lester “Polecat” Brown discusses his new album Bluer Than Ever.
Direct Download
iTunes
Hey, what’s this? An entertaining and mercifully short podcast!
Mr. Plainbottom’s Decorative Ladders
Mr. Plainbottom builds decorative ladders of such beauty that no man can resist climbing them. Each step is a piece of art unto itself, but when placed one over another, the rungs sing like a poem. Although his artistry and craftsmanship are second to none, Mr. Plainbottom’s real genius lies in a visual trick. Unbeknownst to the casual observer, Mr. Plainbottom’s ladders get smaller as you climb....
Computer technology advances so quickly. Just a few thousand years ago, Moses’ tablets could only store Five Commandments each. Today, I used an iPad to watch my neighbor’s wife’s porno.
December 2011
10 posts
Yesterday, Verizon announced that starting January 15 they were going to charge a $2 convenience fee to customers who pay their bill online or by phone. Today, after a day of customer outrage, Verizon said they will not be adding the surcharge. Earlier this year, Bank of America tried charging a $5 monthly fee to debit card users only to rescind that fee as well.
Verizon has 91 million customers....
Swale’s Travails
Although he told himself it didn’t matter, Swale knew his parents were going to be very proud.
The potholes on Fairfax Avenue caused the truck to bounce as it cruised north from the 10 freeway. The height and springiness of the driver’s seat matched the confident, tiptoe strut Swale had adopted after buying the truck. He bought the truck used but the engine ran so smoothly and the kitchen was...
In an attempt to raise literacy, the Chinese government established a simplified version of the Mandarin language in 1956. What the Chinese failed to understand is that the dumbing down of a language doesn’t require government intervention. The people will do it themselves. USA! USA!
I’ve gotten so good at comedy that people think I’m joking when I say my life is a relentless onslaught of disappointment but not so good that anybody will pay me to do it.
My reaction upon hearing I won “America’s Least Dateable Man.”
-photo by Tyler Ross
Announcing:::
dispencer:
A zine! Full of comedy! And other stuff!
The small but beautiful publication is free to own and yours to cherish. Created with the likes of Paul Isakson, Matt Braunger, Kyle Kinane, Jim Hamilton, Kelsy Abbott and more.
We’ll be giving away copies this week at Holy Fuck!, Blam Blam Blam, and Meltdown Comics. So run- don’t walk- to pick up a copy of:
Fortunate Soldier!
Can’t...
My unemployed father sent me a forwarded email about “an economics professor at a local college” teaching his class why Obama’s socialism doesn’t work. He told his class that every student will get the same grade, the average of the entire class. After the first test, the average grade was a B. Most students were happy with the grade except for those students who had earned...
November 2011
2 posts
Beggar's Mad Libs
“Hello, (gender-specific title). My name is (non-ethnic first name). I’m from (city) but I’m stuck in (city you are currently in) because my (family member) has (non-contagious malady). I need (number less than 20) dollars to get a (mode of transportation) back to (first city mentioned). (Just kind of ramble here until someone gives you money).”
October 2011
6 posts
Watchsteveagee:
my friends (Demorge Brown, Kyle Rieter, Matt Freund, Lindsay Ames, more) made something awesome! ladies and gents, here’s GUMBEL.
Holy shit, Demorge. This is a goddamn masterpiece.
Watchbrido:
I only got 2 things out of that Brewers game.
September 2011
9 posts
1 tag
3 tags
WatchNatasha Leggero killing it on The Tonight Show.
5 tags
August 2011
6 posts
“I used to think that the human brain was the most fascinating part of the body....”
– Emo Philips, performing with me and other great comedians at FYF Fest
3 tags
July 2011
7 posts
Bulgarian Street Joke
Many years ago, a Bulgarian filmmaker told me this joke:
A shepherd is tending to his sheeps. The sheeps are taking a sleep so the shepherd decides to take a sleep as well. When the shepherd wakes up, all the sheeps are gone. The shepherd runs across the valley looking for his sheeps. The shepherd sees a farmer on a tractor and asks the farmer if he has seen the sheeps. The farmer says, “I...
