May 2012
11 posts
Sample Dialogue From "Battleship"
Booming, Disembodied Voice: D4!
Admiral Shane: What sector are we in, Captain?
Captain Browley: We’re in Sector D4, sir.
Admiral Shane: Oh, dear God.
A Typical (or: Atypical) Night At Meltdown
I was close enough to touch both Robin Williams and Michael Sheen tonight. Also, I would like to apologize to both Robin Williams and Michael Sheen for touching them tonight.
April 2012
10 posts
The Devolution of Music
Those last three posts are like watching time-lapse video of a dead animal rotting.
Plans
When something inexplicably horrible happens, people say, “God has a plan.” When something doesn’t go your way, people say, “If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans.”
Remember this the next time a bus filled with Sunday schoolers drives off a cliff, and take solace knowing that God is up there laughing at His hilarious plan.
March 2012
9 posts
Inventors
Two Wisconsin men filed a $1.26 billion lawsuit against PepsiCo alleging that the company stole their idea for bottled water. The men claimed that in 1981 they shared their idea for a bottled water called Ultra-Pure with representatives of the company. In 2007, one of the men bought a bottle of Aquafina for the first time, tasted it and decided it was a copy of Ultra-Pure. A judge threw out their...
February 2012
12 posts
“I put one foot in front of the other one
I don’t need a new love or a new...”
– Fun. “One Foot”
For some reason, the band fun. evenly split their new album “Some Nights” into great songs and truly terrible songs.
“Smile” by Monovox
The Story of Monovox
I’ve seen the band Monovox play live probably twenty times. They were from the town adjacent to my hometown in Wisconsin. I didn’t know them in high school, but they moved to Madison about the same time I did. I wasn’t friends with them per se, but I knew them in the way that awesome people in smallish cities tend to know each other. They were building a local following and won...
Strangers' Mail
I often receive mail at my address to people who are not me. My home is apparently quite undesirable, because there seem to be a lot of former tenants. It’s usually junk mail, and I just throw it away. I’ll open it if it looks interesting, but it never turns out to be interesting. There was once some legal documents that were kind of cool, but they got boring real fast. “Child...
Have you ever wondered why the Republicans can never seem to find a decent candidate for President? Maybe it’s by design. Read the Presidential Oath again:
I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States.
Can you spot the loophole?
...
January 2012
15 posts
Comedy-wise, what I’ve been into lately is adult men who write song lyrics like tween girls. I heard this one from Owl City* today and laughed so hard I nearly crashed my car**:
The silence isn’t so bad
‘Til I look at my hands and feel sad
‘Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly
*Pandora. Whatcha gonna do?
**I wasn’t even...
A late Saturday night of reading Emily Dickinson turned into an early Sunday morning of watching Whitney Houston YouTube videos and it all makes perfect sense in my head. I hope that helps explain the previous post and why I’m single.
There Goes The Sun
They say, “The sun even shines on a dog’s ass some days.” That’s a purely mathematical argument. What about the dog that knows his ass can only do one, disgusting thing? What if the dog knows that the humans in charge of its welfare kind of resent its ass for the one thing it can do? What if, knowing all this, the dog believes his ass unworthy of the sun’s light? I...
Dr. Romance on How Not to Be Shy at a Party
Guidelines for being charming at a party:
1. Be interesting: Wear attractive, but interesting, clothing-something that reflects who you are. If you like travel, for example, wear a shirt, scarf, tie or jewelry from another country, or wear something that reflects your ethnic background, or a hobby (sports, the outdoors, a Hawaiian-type shirt with surfboards, gardening implements or an animal...
